If you’re anything like the people I hang out with, you might have been coping with the recent COVID-induced physical distancing by upping your sexting game. But whether you’re currently separated from your loved one thanks to the plague, in a long-distance relationship, in the early stages of exploration with someone new, or just wanting to spice things up with your long-term partner, sexting can be a seriously hot way to explore intimacy when you can’t physically be together.
Read on to learn my top tips to have your hottest text-sex ever.
Establish consent first
Sexting might not involve physical contact, but it still requires consent! In a long term relationship, you might have an agreement that it’s okay to send each other sexy content at any time. If this hasn’t been agreed, though, make sure you get consent before you start sending your smutty thoughts or hot photos.
Asking for consent doesn’t have to be dry and clinical. Try this: “I was having some really filthy thoughts about you today. Would you like to hear them?”
Set aside time to focus on it
Sure, it can be fun to dash off a quick sext in between doing other things. But, as with in-person sex, sexting is more fun when you make time to focus on your partner.
Why not make a date of it? Pour yourself your favorite drink and get comfy on your bed or sofa with a sex toy. Now, spend a delicious hour or two just focusing on exchanging naughty words with your partner.
Pay close attention to their reactions
With sexting, you lose so many of the non-verbal cues you normally get during sex. Think moans, sighs, body-language, movements. So instead, you need to pay even closer attention than usual to your partner’s words.
How are they responding? Are you getting positive feedback in the form of virtual moans or other reactions? Are they actively joining in and adding their own contributions to the sexy story you’re weaving?
If they seem vague or non-committal, pause and check in with them. If they change the direction of the narrative, take that as a cue that something wasn’t quite working. They may want something different.
Take your language cues from your partner
What words do they use to describe themselves, their body parts, and the acts you’re discussing together? Mirroring their word choices back at them shows you’re paying attention (see the previous point). Hopefully, this makes things hotter for them.
Some people have strong feelings about certain words for their genitals. I know people who love the word cunt but can’t stand pussy, and vice-versa. People also like to use different words to describe sex acts. “Making love” might seem cringe-worthy to one person, and sweet to another. “F*cking” might turn someone on but feel crude and be a turn off to someone else.
The point is that you can’t know unless you listen (well, read) for their cues.
If your partner uses a word you don’t like, it’s fine to say, “Hey, that word doesn’t work for me. I prefer [fill in the blank.]” Likewise, if your partner sets a boundary around specific language, respect it.
Skip the excessively flowery prose
Be straightforward and say what you mean. Weird metaphors about flowers and honeypots and nectar end up sounding like an entry into the Bad Sex Awards. You don’t need to be an amazing writer to be a great sexter. Just don’t try too hard and skip the bizarre imagery. Please.
Explore and experiment in a lower-stakes environment
Exploring a dynamic in text form is (usually) lower-stakes and less pressure than trying it in the flesh. So make the most of your sexting time to explore new kinks, try out new roleplay scenarios, and share those fantasies that you’ve never talked about before.
Talking about it doesn’t mean you have to do it! So if the fantasy doesn’t work for you, that’s okay. And if you decide you’d rather leave something as fantasy-only, that’s valid too.
Explore ideas that would be physically impossible in reality
Do you want to have sex in a completely improbable location, change the shape of your genitals at will, or have a threesome with a fictional character? Sexting is the perfect arena to explore fantasies that are impossible to carry out! Get as silly and creative as you like. This is one space where you don’t have to worry about the practicalities!
Conclusion
And finally but perhaps most importantly, approach sexting (and sex in general) as a collaboration, not a performance. Be yourself and focus on mutual pleasure.
Is sexting something you do regularly? Do you feel confident about it or do you struggle not to sound awkward? Let us know down in the comments!
