You’ve confessed your kinks, talked about your secret BDSM fantasies, and even shopped for fetish gear together. Talking and thinking about your kinks isn’t the same as acting on them, though.
When you’re ready to finally have your first kinky scene with your partner, here’s what you need to know.
Get Specific
It’s not enough to say, “I want to be spanked.” That’s a good start, but now is the time to get very specific with what you mean. Do you want your partner to put you over their knee? Does a paddle or belt turn you on? Is there a specific roleplay fantasy you want to try?
Discuss the details of exactly what you want. You’re not ruining the mood or taking away from the fantasy of the moment. While you can and should talk about these things at any time, the first conversation should happen well before you get naked with each other.
Learn and Practice
Part of the conversation on specifics is about the intensity of the sensation you want to feel. Not all kinks are about pain, but they are, in different ways, about sensation. You’re going to have to learn how to do the kinky thing you want to try and then try it out before you actually get naked and kinky. Practice outside of a sexual moment so you both have an idea what you’re asking for or providing.
- Use a paddle on your own thigh or arm before taking a “practice” smack on your partner. This is outside sexy, naked time you’re about to have.
- Practice using the bondage tape or rope in a calm setting. Ask how it feels and adjust what you’re doing until it’s comfortable for your partner.
- Talk about what you want to happen and what you don’t want to happen.
If there’s something you don’t know, go research it. A lot of kinksters share their tips, tricks, and experiences online. Don’t rely on porn for your education, though. Porn is fantasy, and you need real life information.
Discuss Your Limits
Everyone has limits and personal boundaries. There are things that you can’t stand the idea of or that make your skin crawl. Sometimes a limit is less subtle. It simply doesn’t feel right to you or fills you with dread. Before you get kinky, you need to talk about these things.
If you’re not comfortable telling your partner that you don’t like something, it’s not the right time to get your kink on. This is a time to be brutally honest about what’s okay and what isn’t. This is also the time to discuss how to let each other know if something is wrong in the middle of the moment. Safewords are one way, but they’re not perfect. Checking in with each other during the moment by saying, “Is this okay?” or “Should I keep going?” is a necessary part of kink, too.
Get Your Kinky Gear
Not every kinky scene needs special adult toys or gear. Some things can be found around your home, like a belt. But some kinks depend on having the right stuff. If you’re interested in being flogged, you need floggers. When you want bondage but don’t have the rope-skills (yet), bondage tape is a good purchase. And if you’re going for a full roleplay scene with characters and dialogue, you might want a costume or special outfit.
Shop together for your kinky gear. Go into an adult store or browse online together. This will be another good time to talk about what you want and don’t want.
Start Your Scene
You’ve gotten specific about the details, practiced, talked limits, and gathered all your kinky sex toys. Now what? Now, it’s time to start your kinky scene and have fun.
- Find a time when you’re both ready and (mostly) relaxed.
- Start slowly and get comfortable with what you’re doing. In spankings, this often begins with light taps on the body. In roleplay, begin with a conversation.
- Check in with each other. “Do you like that?” and “Is this good?” are great options.
- Speak up when something doesn’t feel right. If your hands tingle while being tied up, say something. If you’re scared or not feeling good, say something.
- Don’t worry about perfection. You can always stop what you’re doing and try something else.
- Keep your mutual pleasure in mind at all times. Both of you need to enjoy the moment, not just one of you.
Conclusion
Fantasizing about that kinky thing you want to do (or want done to you) is fun. You can spend a lot of time focusing on just the sexual fantasy. But when you’re ready to finally get kinky, it’s normal to be a little nervous. Take your time, communicate often and openly with your partner, and start slow. Getting kinky isn’t something to rush into, but it’s also not something you should be afraid of. As long as you check in with each other and stay open and honest, you can enjoy your kinky fun in anyway that works for both of you.
Have you ever gotten kinky with your partner? What tips do you think people need to know! Share in the comments below!
