Broaching the topic of BDSM play with a vanilla partner is anything but easy. At best, your partner will be willing to experiment and share their fantasies with you. At worst? Well, we’d like to help you avoid those scenarios by any means. Follow Jack and Jill’s guide to talking to your partner about your BDSM fetishes.
Gauge your partner’s interest
Discretion is the key to approaching the topic of kinky sex. Consider how long you and your partner have been together and any details of their sexual history. Even if sex is vanilla, don’t assume that’s the only thing they’ve ever liked or will like. BDSM is still somewhat taboo, so start with probing questions at an appropriate time. For example, while cuddling after sex, you might initiate sexy pillow talk to ask about the kinkiest thing they’ve ever done.
Watch BDSM porn together
Like any sexual act, domination and submission range from low intensity, bordering on vanilla (e.g. lightly flogging your partner’s backside), to hardcore rope play. Suggest that each person pick something new to switch out your usual videos. Observe your partner’s reactions to scenes – you might be surprised by what you discover. If they react positively, ask your partner outright if they’d ever be willing to try the acts themselves.
Choose your words carefully
It’s important to understand how your message can be perceived. Say the wrong thing and your partner may think you’re implying something is wrong with your sex life. They might feel embarrassment, shame or anger. As such, make sure you emphasize the things you love about them and stress that kinks would only help enhance what’s already great. Use anecdotes from other couples you know or statistics that emphasize the normality of BDSM.
Repeat your desires but respect boundaries
This is a delicate dance in that it’s important for both partners’ voices to be heard. If you love being dominant or submissive – especially if you’re considering ending the relationship over a particular void – your sexual needs are equally important as your partner’s. Even still, avoid saying things like, “You should try it!” or worse, “If you loved me, you would…” Harassing or “guilt tripping” your partner into a sexual act is not OK. It’s manipulative and abusive. Remain calm and communicative, putting emphasis on what you hope to gain, never what you expect them to do.
If your partner expresses interest, don’t forget to ease them into their first scene with BDSM toys from Jack and Jill. Better yet, shop together and choose from one of our many sex toys as a prelude to the big night. Not ready for rope and a ball gag? There’s always fuzzy handcuffs.
